Out Of Bedroom Experiences. Here’s What I Have Learnt Today…

Today I have exercised. I went for a 5 mile run/walk and, although I enjoyed it, I know it’s not the most fun or effective way to exercise. The trouble is, when it comes to exercising I get quite bored, quite quickly. I want to love it; I want to be someone who has a routine and to be focused and devoted and all those other words that personal trainers shout at you until your alloted time is up. I want to be one of those people; I just don’t have the attention span for it.

Of all the methods and forms of exercises, swimming is the one I’ve always thought I’d like the most. When I get into the warm water and the temperature outside the pool feels somewhat exotic, I love it. Then I do two lengths and get bored. It wouldn’t be a problem if humans were like fish but, as I have noticed recently, we’re not like fish at all. If, like a fish, I only had a 3 second memory, I dare say that I would never get bored of swimming. Of course the irony here is that eating fish actually helps boost your memory power and, because fish tend not to eat themselves, they don’t get bored so they enjoy swimming. In fact if you do ever see a fat fish, chances are that they’re a disinterested cannibal.

I have been a member of several gyms throughout the years. Each time I am sold on the fact that, not only can you get fit and healthy, but you can meet new, fun people too. In some gyms, I have been informed, you can meet new, fun and exciting people. Imagine! The posters have also advertised this fact; usually a guy is sharing a joke with a girl on the next treadmill to him and she appears to be laughing. Lots. “I could make a girl on a treadmill laugh,” I have thought, “If things go really well, I could amuse a stranger in the sauna. She’d probably like that.”

That is how my usual gym membership comes about. My usual gym membership usually ends once I realise that, although the man in the advert is capable of making girls on treamills laugh, he is clearly someone who has gone to the gym a lot more than me. The man in the advert probably came out of the womb having spent 9 months bench pressing his mother’s kidneys. What is more, the man in the advert appears to have charmed the lady with his effervescent wit and personality without breaking sweat. The man in the advert certainly hasn’t, as I have done, been wearing his t-shirt inside out, looked over at the girl next to him and blurted an out of breath, “… Hiya…” whilst maintaining a pink, sweaty complexion. The man in the advert probably went to the sauna, effortlessly charmed the girl from the treadmill and had secured a dinner date before she’d even noticed the scent of the eucalyptus oil. I doubt that he, like I, had gone into the sauna in his pants because he forgot his trunks. Nor do I imagine he’d started giggling to himself because the intimacy of the situation – highlighted by the fact he was just in his pants. In fact, I bet the man in the advert and the girl on the treadmill didn’t even go to this gym. Duped; again!

Of course, the one exercise that is universally recognised as the most fun is sleeping with someone . Or “sex”; in case you just thought I meant an afternoon snooze. It is, after all, nature’s exercise. My only trouble with this means of exercise is that I am currently single and this makes it more difficult than if I were in a relationship. It’s not impossible; it’s just not as easy. If I was with someone, I imagine my partner would also be on the healthy bandwagon and, even if they weren’t, I’d like to think they’d at least take part. Ideally we’d both eat healthily, drink healthily and, eventually, head off and “do the fun exercise in the bed-gym” (I just made that phrase up but I think it’s a keeper). If you’re in a relationship the most fun exercise is also the easiest to come by. So to speak.

As a single man who wants to be healthy and maintain his current weight, sleeping with someone is counter-productive because you invariably have to go on a number of dates first. This probably means meeting up for drinks on a first date, then a second date may be going for a meal followed by a third date, perhaps a DVD, wine and a pizza. So for someone who’s initial aim is to be fit and watch their weight, this is a very calorific option. Sure, you have company and a good time and, hopefully, down the line you get to enjoy the exercise/love life that couples do but, by this time, you’re probably about a stone heavier so what’s the point!?!?

When it comes to exercise, for now at least, I am happy with my usual routine. I shall stick to it until something more fun comes along because, although it may not be the most exerting exercise, it does make me feel good. For example, today I went walking with Guns and Roses and I really enjoyed that. By which I don’t mean I was walking with the actual band; I was listening to them on my iPhone. It would look very strange if I was walking around the hills of my village with Guns and Roses beside me. Anyway, they’d probably have the tour bus full of groupies, wouldn’t they? I bet that girl from the treadmill would be in there too. Actually, if that’s the sort of girl she is, I don’t want to even bother trying to impress her! Ah well, has anyone got the number for Dominoes?